From the Other Side of the Couch
A BIBLICAL COUNSELOR’S GUIDE TO RELATIONAL LIVING
Judy Lair, LPCC
About the Book:
From the time Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of
Eden, humankind has lived out of a rule-oriented, standardized framework. This
strategy is great for getting tasks done, but significantly impacts the ability
to do relationships well. Self-protection, anxiety, depression, bitterness, and
resentment indicate a fear-based life. Learning how to love God, ourselves, and
others requires a transformative process. Living a Relational lifestyle brings
the happiness, contentment, and joy humans crave. Change is possible, and the
reflective questions at the end of chapters help you personalize the journey.
My Roadmap to Freedom shows how to walk through the valley of woundedness,
liberate your feelings from captivity, wrestle inaccurate beliefs into
submission, plant your flag on the mountain of truth, and learn how to live in
godly freedom. Together, we will ask God to bring you context, clarity,
compassion, and understanding about the pain and hurt you’ve experienced and
their impact on your present life. I can tell you I absolutely, positively,
completely believe in God’s heart for you and your healing—because I know His
heart for me. This book welcomes you into my counseling office where I share
the insights God has given to me on both sides of the couch.
About the Author:
Judy Lair is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and
owner of Counselorplace Christian Counseling since 2002. She is the author of
“From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor’s Guide to Relational
Living.” Judy’s personal struggles with fear led to her healing journey. She
now embraces a life grounded in God’s truth and freedom in Christ. Her
vulnerable, godly approach helps people find courage to face the hurt and pain
in their own life and move from fear to freedom. Sign up for blog posts at
http://judylair.blogspot.com.
Connect with Judy:
Judy A. Lair, LPCC
Email: counselorplacecounseling-at-gmail.com
Twitter: @JudyLair
Read an Excerpt:
Hello!
Welcome to my counseling office, let me know if I can get
you a glass of
water or cup of coffee.
I’ll sit in my forest green arm chair next to the lamp
stand with photos of my son. You can curl up on the couch
across from me.
If you’re cold, go ahead and grab the afghan my aunt Goldie
made to cover
your lap. Now let’s talk.
Clients have asked me for years to write a book that sounds
like the
conversations we have in my office every day. This is not
your typical self-
help book with tips and tools to help you manage difficult
situations. I do a
little bit of that, but mainly I focus on principles. Every
counseling session
focuses on how transforming your heart, mind, and character
leads to
healing and happiness. In this book you will read a lot
about viewpoint,
because that makes a difference in getting clarity and
seeing truth. We live
in a complicated world and the enemy loves to use confusion
and doubt to
deceive. I strive to sit in God’s living room looking at life
through his vantage
point and sharing that perspective with clients.
Every client that walks into my office and every person who
picks up this
book is looking for hope. Hope that change is possible this
time, wondering
if they are too broken to be fixed. What I can tell you is
that I absolutely,
positively, completely believe in God’s heart for you and
your healing --
because I now know His heart for me. God loves you with the
same passion
I experience. The process I share shows you how to identify
and wrestle with
the barriers that keep you from receiving and experiencing
that same truth. I
invite you to be open to the concepts I share and have lots
of discussions
with God about them. Whether you agree or disagree with me
is not as
important as what you gain in the conversation process.
I’ve structured the book as if we’re talking in my office.
First, I’ll introduce
myself. I expect that you, like me, are very particular
about who you allow to
speak into your life. Every counselor has their own views on
how relationship
dysfunction happens and how to address it. This view is
based on their
training and personal experiences. It’s important for clients to decide if the
counselor’s framework is the best vehicle to get them where
they want to go.
For that reason, I purposefully share my background and the
key life
experiences that form my beliefs. I’ve done my best to be
transparent,
allowing you to get a feel for my heart, character, and
motives.
Second, I’ll explain the general principles I rely on
related to beliefs,
feelings, thoughts, actions, etc. Principles such as
learning what it means to
love ourselves and others in a godly way, why we need to go
back and open
up old painful scars, and how learning new skills such as
grieving can draw
us closer to God and each other. After discussing the
foundational principles,
I’ll introduce a counseling model I developed called the
Roadmap to
Freedom. Walking out this journey takes you from a place of
woundedness
to a life lived out of joy. Each chapter moves you step by
step along in the
process. I’ve made this journey myself and am honored to
walk alongside to
guide and encourage you.
* * *
Outcome-Based Model
One of the most detrimental counterfeits to the Relational
system is the
Outcome-based model. It promises a direct correlation
between working
hard and reaching goals. If I work 18 hours a day, 7 days a
week, the
Outcome-based formula tells me I will receive all the
benefits of the
“American Dream.” On its surface, striving to reach goals
and benchmarks
appears to be helpful and motivating. That’s why this model
is enticing. It’s
much more convenient to independently meet our own needs
without relying
on God! The “health and wealth” theology uses this same
formulaic
approach. If I pray and believe hard enough that God wants
me to be blessed
in specific ways, then God has no choice but to make it
happen.
In the Relational model, each person invests in helping one
another grow
and prosper in loving God, themselves, and others. The
Outcome-based
model preys on the fear that our legitimate needs will not
be met and offers
a counterfeit solution to a manufactured problem. Just look
at how products
are marketed. Instead of focusing on the qualities of a
product and letting the
consumer decide what they need, commercials appeal to our
emotional
vulnerabilities. We’re told there’s a direct correlation
between wanting to be
loved, accepted, admired, etc. and a particular product. As
I looked closer at
this model, I began asking probing questions.
Where did these formulaic equations come from? Who’s
actually
benefiting from me agreeing with them? Do they lead me
closer to God
or farther away?
What I uncovered was how humankind distorted the godly
principle of
relational leadership. We replaced it with a system that
could be used to
manipulate and control for selfish gain.
God’s leadership style is repeated throughout the Davidic
Psalms: “His
love endures forever.” Leadership without sacrificial love
eventually
becomes self-centered and punitive. The Bible shows how
exasperating and
difficult it was for God to lead households and nations of
stiff-necked,
stubborn, immature people. Trying to lead when you’re
immature in loving
relationally is exhausting and potentially tempting.
Humankind decided to create a shortcut and instituted their
own
leadership model. Most Outcome-based leaders tell us what
goals are godly
and institute a set of rules and standards designed to reach
those self-
determined one-size-fits-all goals. In this model, there’s
always a set of
negative consequences for broken rules or unmet goals.
God gave us the Ten Commandments to show humankind the
futility of
using rules to replace relationship. What God wants most is
for us to draw
near to Him so He can draw near to us. Jesus cried over
Jerusalem like a
mother hen cries over her missing baby chicks. Our worth and
value can only
be understood through our soul connecting with our creator.
When human
leadership creates a general set of standards, it leads us
away from God’s
heart and we lose our personhood.
Outcome-based systems connect value and worth directly to
achievements. In many homes, schools, churches, small
groups, etc., you
must follow the rules or meet specified goals in order to
receive approval and
be recognized as valuable, competent, or good. Not living up
to those
expectations means letting people down, an unthinkable sin.
You can see this system play out from the first day a child
attends school
and is asked to measure up on a standardized test. Who
decides what facts
and theorems are necessary for a student to be “successful”
in life? In church
and family households, often there are rigid rules to follow
and mandated
behavior and belief expectations that must be followed.
Oftentimes when the
system is questioned, the answer given is “because I said
so” or the
questioner is scolded because their actions reflect badly on
the institution or
family name. At work, there are sales goals, productivity
expectations, time
limits, etc., all of which dictate the employee’s worth to
the company.
I’m not taking issue with setting up systems to encourage
people to grow
individually and contribute to the community. The Bible
talks a lot about
having a vision and pressing onward to run the race well.
But when
humankind use their own standards to judge worth and value,
we are putting
ourselves in the place of God.
There can be an internal and external tug-of-war when we’re
conditioned
from childhood to connect our character, worth, and value to
pleasing
someone or meeting goals set by someone else. If an
authority figure we
respect uses guilt and shame to ensure compliance, we get a
warped view
of what God expects from us. When Adam and Eve chose
independence
over relationship with God, humankind learned how to deeply
hurt each
other. Rather than focusing on ways to support, encourage,
and care, people
became objects to use and manipulate for personal gain.
God’s leadership centers on modeling servant leadership,
sacrifice, and
unconditional love. The God of the Old Testament was
angered,
disappointed, and saddened by each human generation who
didn’t respond
to this type of leadership. God wanted them to see how he
personally cared
for them and understood their needs.
The Israelites looked around, saw every other nation had a
human king,
and asked God to appoint a king over them. In 1 Samuel 8,
God warns Israel
through Samuel that a king would draft sons into the
military and use their
land and energy to supply the military with food and
weapons. Their
daughters would be expected to take care of the military,
people would
become slaves, and everyone would be required to give a
tenth of their crops
and animals to the king. Samuel begged them to consider the
cost of
Outcome-based leadership, but the Israelites were
adamant.
But the people refused to listen to Samuel. ‘No!’ they said. ‘We want a
king over us. Then we
will be like all the other nations with a king to lead
us and to go out before us and fight our battles.’ (1 Samuel 8:19-20 NIV)
All of history shows God’s words to be true. Humans have
created
hierarchical systems based on power, control, and authority
which have
generally been used to provide a framework for the strong to
make others
conform to their wishes. It also provides a rationalization
to weigh the value
of an individual against survival of the system, usually
languaged in some
magnanimous way. We’ve all heard mottos like, “The needs of
the many
outweigh the needs of a few.” In the world’s system, there
must always be a
choice. The saddest thing of all is that most of us believe
there’s no other
way to live. But when we view life within a relational
context, God gives both
sides an opportunity to learn, grow, and mature. No one ends
up on the
losing end unless they choose, like the Israelites, to tell
God no. Even in that
instance, God had a plan to bring them to repentance.
Cost of Living in an Outcome-Based System
Another one of my favorite movies is The Matrix because it
beautifully
portrays this tug-of-war. Its basic premise is that the
world known by most
humans is actually a simulation created by living machines
to manipulate
and control humanity for their own benefit. Computer hacker
Neo begins to
find and question computer anomalies and he’s recruited by a
band of truth-
seekers. The most important scene in the movie is when
Morpheus tells Neo
he has the choice to open his eyes to the simulation.
Morpheus warns Neo
if he chooses to see the truth, he cannot go back to
ignorance. Such an
immense decision reveals Neo’s character. Does he want to
shut his eyes to
seeing the world in bondage and continue to do what is best
for him or is he
motivated by truth, even if it means personal hardship and
fighting against
oppression?
Neo chooses to take the truthful red pill and when he wakes
up, he finds
himself attached to an electrical machine by an elaborate
cable system. This
is what reality looked like for those humans who were
enslaved in the dream
simulation. Reality was not as pretty as the dream world,
but embracing it
showed strength and integrity. Neo makes it his life’s work
to help the Zion
brotherhood bring truth to the world. The movie shows
another man named
Cyber who decides he’s tired of living in reality and
schemes to return to the
matrix so he can live a comfortable, pretend lifestyle. Like
Judas, Cyber
betrays the Zion brotherhood to the enemy machines for his
own benefit.
The price for embracing the Outcome-based system is a life
of fear and
despair. Life is a never-ending worry cycle that you won’t
measure up. Every
day you work feverishly to reach a goal set by someone else
and when you
do, you work even harder to stay ahead of the curve. This
cycle eventually
ends with you crashing in despair, wondering what makes life
worthwhile.
We keep insanely believing that doing the same things will
bring about a
different result. Instead, we need to question the beliefs
on which we base
our life efforts. In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D.
talks about
training with the Israeli national squash team when he was
16 years old. At
that time, he believed winning the championship was
necessary for him to
feel fulfilled and fulfillment was essential for happiness.
He did win and as he
savored the mountain-top happy feeling, the everyday
emptiness came
flooding back.
I was befuddled and afraid.
The tears of joy shed only hours earlier
turned to tears of pain and helplessness. For if I was not happy now,
when everything seemed to have worked out perfectly, what
prospects
did I have of attaining lasting happiness?...But as the days
and months
unfolded, I did not feel happier; in fact, I was growing
even more desolate
as I began to see that simply substituting a new goal --
winning the world
championship, say --- would not in itself lead me to
happiness. Ben-
Shahar, Happier, p. 4.
At some point, every person asks the question, “Is this all
there is to life?”
We may ask it when we’re at the top of the mountain or in a
deep pit from
which we never seem to climb out of -- but we all ask it.
The Outcome-based,
logical strategy dangles the carrot, telling us to pull up
our boots and to put
in extra effort and time. It promises if we work hard, we
can achieve all our
dreams. Has that been true in your life? For me, all that
hard work left me
burned out and exhausted.
For Christians, this strategy usually means we throw
ourselves into church
and ministry. We desperately seek emotional highs during
worship and
obsessively spend our time giving to others. But even these
“good” things
leave us feeling exhausted, empty, incompetent, worthless, and
desperate
for happiness and joy. In such a place, we are vulnerable to
manipulation
and self-destruction. Rather than continuing to do more, why
not re-evaluate
your life strategy?
My clients laugh at how I talk about loving my bed the way
most women
love chocolate. Waking up in the morning, I relish the
firmness of the
mattress and how my body feels rested and refreshed. I
stretch like a
contented kitty and laughingly make invisible “snow angels”
under the
sheets. It’s such a little, inconsequential thing in the big
picture of life. But
such contentedness spurs me to prayers of thankfulness for
how my life has
been transformed in only a few short years. Living an
Outcome-based
lifestyle meant enduring never-ending fear, self-protection,
bitterness, and
resentment.
How do you know which system you are living in? Pray Psalm
51 and ask
God to show you if any of these Outcome-based themes are
present in your
heart and mind on a regular basis:
·
Blaming others
·
Refusing to take responsibility for one’s own
issues
·
Living in learned helplessness
·
Taking on the identity of a martyr
·
Giving up on life, living in despair and
hopelessness
·
Attempting to fix others through manipulative
techniques
·
Demanding obedience while denying personhood
·
Denying the role of emotions
·
Striving to be independent rather than
interdependent
·
Living life as Martha instead of Mary
·
Choosing to prioritize ministry at the expense
of relationships
·
Denying immaturities and defending them to
others
·
Refusing to allow others to know you for fear of
being hurt
·
Creating rules legislating worth, value and
acceptance
I embrace being filled with the fullness of God and having
the opportunity
to pour that out on my clients daily in my office. Where I
once hated to wake
up in the morning because it would be another heavy, busy,
demanding day
full of disappointment and despair, I now absolutely love my
life. Yes, I have
hard days with frustrations and difficulties. However, I am
committed to
knowing in my soul the truth of God’s heart. It’s a gut
knowing that surpasses
head knowledge, giving me a godly viewpoint of life where
I’m able to see
truth and move toward it in every area of my life. This
Relational lifestyle
brings the happiness and joy every human being was created
to desire.
REFLECTION QUESTIONS
1. What do you think God created humankind?
2. How does that belief shape your view of who God is and
how he feels
about you?
3. Do you love yourself as well as you love others?
4. How do you process feeling like God is disappointed or
upset with you?
5. What is your heart motivation when you ask God hard
questions?
6. In what ways do you equate value and worth with following
rules and
standards?
7. Which model do you primarily live out, Relational or
Outcome-based?
8. How do you pursue happiness?
9. What Outcome-based themes are present in your life?
10. How does fear keep you from living a Relational life?
